The Daily Prophet
by szmoon
Summary: A bunch of miscellanious articles and interviews form the world of Harry Potter-rn(not sure what the rating should be as there is much to add) c( please review(10 chapters so far now)
1. SPEW

Disclaimer: None of this whatsoever belongs to me (though it would be nice)-

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 The Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare

                        An Interview of Hermione Granger

  By: Rita Skeeter

        Question: Why Spew?

Answer: It's not "Spew," it's the Society of the Promoti.

Rita: Oh well, just answer the question.

Answer: I have decided to spread the awareness of elf rights with this section in the Daily Prophet.  As you all may have noticed, elves have been our slaves for ages, and it seems as though nobody wants to take a stand and say, "Hey, this isn't fair!"  Nobody ever bothered to help the elves, and nobody ever bothered to even let some ideas slip into the public. 

Question: Why should we help the elves?

Answer: It's only right.  I mean, if you had to, you wouldn't like to cook, clean, and be ignored all day, would you?  There's an elf I saw that's whole family had their heads cut off when they got too old, and then they were hung on plaques on the wall.  He was even forced into thing that it was an honor!

Question: Do the elves want to have rights?

Answer: Well, I know another elf that likes to be paid, and likes to wear clothes.  His name is Dobby, and he wore about eight hats at a time when he first got freed, and he still does.  I bet that all of the other elves want to have these rights, too, but they're too afraid to speak their mind.  And that reminds me, house elves are forced into punishing themselves by horrendous means whenever they disobey even a small order.  I once saw Dobby punishing himself by banging his head against the wall, just because he said something wrong by accident.  House elves can have feelings, too.

Question: So, do you think that Spew, I mean S.P.E.W.  will be a success?

Answer: Of course it will be.    

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I hope you liked it. Should I do other interviews also? please review!

Thanx! -  


	2. The Firebolt

Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me (though I wish

I did)- a lot of info came from the fourth book. I

just made it fancier-     

                                    Advertisement

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The new Firebolt is the fastest broom in the league,

and it is the most convenient.  It's many unique characteristics sets it apart from all racing, household, and muggle brooms. 

You will never have to be worried about confusing your

brooms because each one has it's own hand numbered registration number. 

The handles are made of streamlined, superfine, and

diamond-hard polished ash.  The tail twigs are individually picked birch, and are honed to aerodynamic perfection. 

The Firebolt has unsurpassable balance, and pinpoint

precision.  There is also an unbreakable Breaking charm

put on each broom. 

The Firebolt's acceleration is 150 miles per hour in ten

seconds, and will react with the smallest amount of

pressure.  It will also hover at the exact height at which

you want to mount. 

**  We hope you go with the Firebolt! **

**O**

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	3. Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes

                                      Advertisement

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**                        W**e**a**s**l**e**y'**s** W**i**z**a**r**d**i**n**g **W**h**e**e**z**e**s****

Have you ever wanted to prank your friends until they beg you for letting

them surrender? Well, now you can!  With our newly opened joke shop,

you can find any and all kinds of items to fulfill your childish needs.  But

don't let any adults find out.  Our shop and ads are charmed to repel any

adults looking at it to see an advertisement for used books, so if you tell,

we'll know!

        Here are just a few of the items we have so far!

                **O **Skiving Snack box-If you don't feel like participating in class,

or just want some free time, eat one end of these candies, and you'll get

as sick as can be.  Eat the other end after you escape, and you're free to

go wherever you please (instead of the

hospital wing)!

                **O** Headless Hats-Give all your friends a scare by pretending that you

underwent a gruesome experience.  Just slip them on to vanish (your head)!

                **O** Portable Swamp- Almost impossible for most adult wizards to rid of,

this willkeep you occupied for hours as you watch the victim (cough cough) I mean

respectable adult, go insane!

                **O** Weird Wands-Drive many people crazy by letting them (accidentally,

of course) pick up these wands. They not only change into rubber chickens, but they

also come in a variety of styles.

                **O** Extendible Ears- Are your attempts to eavesdrop not working? Then

come and get some of these! They are up to 10 feet long and come in longer styles

if needed. 

                **O** We have more items, but on account that we are putting this here,

we have no more room!  We hope you come and visit us soon!   


	4. Marauder's Interview

An Interview of the Marauders

        By: Bertha Jorkins

        Question: So, how did you guys come to be friends?

Answer:(Prongs) Well, it was just me and Padfoot at first,

and then we met Mooney, who we decided really needed a

friend. 

          (Padfoot) Yeah, he always seemed so lonely and was

always missing class, and we wanted to know how he did it.

          (Moony) I didn't tell them at first, but then Wormtail

here started clinging on to us. 

          (Prongs)  Well, I kind of liked the attention.

          (Padfoot) He was still annoying, though. 

          (Prongs)  Yeah, that's true. 

          (Moony)  Anyway, that's about it.

Question: When did you guys find out Moony's secret?

Answer:(Wormtail) Well, Ja, I mean Prongs, decided to

follow the teachers and Moony one night to the Womping

willow.  We had used his invisibility cloak.

           (Prongs)  Yup.  And then we overheard them talking

about it being sad for what Moony had.  Then we heard a howl,

and then looked up and saw the full moon.

           (Padfoot) We put them together and came to the con-

clusion that Moony was a chicken! Nah, just kidding, I mean

skunk! Okay, really, that he was a werewolf.  We thought that

was kinda cool.

Question: I heard that you guys turned into animagi in order

to keep Moony company.  Now, how and why did you do that?

Answer:(Moony) Ummmm.

           (Wormtail) Whawhat arare you t talking about?

           (Padfoot) Now when I find out who that rotten….

           (Prongs) Uhh, Padfoot (steps on his foot)


	5. Wanted

                                                            Wanted

                             ----------------------------------------

I NEED SOMEBODY TO TAKE THESE BOOKS OFF MY HANDS. PLEASE. THEY ARE

DRIVING ME BLOODY MAD. THEY SHOULD BE SENT TO AZKABAN, OR BE ILLEGAL

TO SELL. PLEASE, SOMEBODY TAKE THEM, PLEASE!!!!!

For more information, please owl Flourish and Blott's.

                                        Wanted

                             ---------------------------------------

I, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of

Witchcraft and Wizardry, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, and Chairman of

The International Confederation of Wizards, am seeking somebody for the post

of the (in small font)Defense against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts.

For more information, owl Dumbledore. 

                                        Wanted

                             --------------------------------------

Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes needs two part time worker at their new shop in

Diagon Alley.  They are willing to pay a galleon a day.  This jobs will be much

fun, as there is much "joking" going on.

For more information, owl Fred or George Weasley. 

                                        Wanted

                             --------------------------------------

The Gryffindor Quidditch team at Hogwarts is in need of a new captain, as our

old one is now gone.  Tryouts are on the Saturday after first term starts, and

there are NO excuses whatsoever for being late.  If nobody shows up, I really

will………………………………………

For more information, owl Angelina Johnson. 

                                        Wanted

                             -------------------------------------

Has anyone seen my blast-ended-skrewt?

For more information, owl Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper and Care of Magical

Creatures teacher.


	6. Weather

Yes, some of this is made up (okay, most, but it's fun) and I will

try to update this page/add another one through the summer often. c(=

**---------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Weather**

We at the Daily Profit can tell the weather for two months,

one week, and three days in advance, but here's the weather

for the next week.  We are pleased to say that we are accurate

99.9999 percent of the time.

**Sunday**: 54.5930125358923-7.5644.675percent chance of rain

in the afternoon, and then slightly cloudy because of migrating

puffskins pushing the clouds over.

**Monday:** A one percent chance that there will be rain, and the

Knight's Bus tells us that if there is, then they will be moving at

an incredibly dangerous (just kidding) speed of 539 miles per hour.

**Tuesday:** Mostly sunny apart from the puffskins migrating back

after their one day rest period. 

**Wednesday:** Slight bit of sleet due to the puffskin's sneezing

habits after their short migration.

**Thursday:** As the puffskin's are over their cold, the weather is

unaffected by them today.  There will be either snow or owl droppings,

I can't tell.  It will be the Chudley Cannons' 112th anniversary of

their last win in the Quidditch league in 1892, and much fan/hate mail

going to them. 

**Friday:** The puffskins will take an unexpected turn in their migration

pattern and be so exhausted that their heat will affect us, too. 

**Saturday:** 70 percent chance of weather.     


	7. Sports

Right now I would like to thank the people who so

kindly reviewed these articles! And in case you were

wondering, if someone criticized, I took their advice.

(I _did_ try to make the twins' lettering flashy)

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                                        **Sports**

**Quidditch: **Right now at the bottom of the league,

as always, is the Chudley Cannons.  The Tornados,

however, have dropped a couple of points also, but

they are still tied for second.  In First right now,

surprisingly, is Puddlemere United, with their newest

player, Oliver Wood. 

**Swivenhog:** (this is not a made up game, see Quidditch

Through the Ages) the league has been canceled for a while

for the cause that none of the teams have enough players. 

They are also running out of inflated pig's bladders.  They

really shouldn't have a league for this…..

**Shuntbumps:** (like above is real) This is still only a children's

game, and no more.

                                      Advertisement

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**                            Quality Quidditch Supplies:**

**                   The holder of all of the top grade items!**

**                          Now a sale on all Cleansweeps**

**                       Every one is at lea ten sickles off!**  ****


	8. Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans

Disclaimer: None belongs to me (though, as always, it would be nice) c(=

Almost all of it is made up for your entertainment, as are most stories                                                            

Advertisement

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                        **Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans**

        Have you ever wondered how we came up with the idea of

our beans?  Well, it all started when Bertie Bott felt that he would

love to be able to taste anything he wanted to, and in a convenient

way.  Actually, he always did have this problem with licking every-

thing he passed…  Anyway, he then decided to harness all of the

energy (with an unknown charm) and compact it all within the shell

of a small bean shape. 

        He took tastes from various items, of course.  He tried rock,

then cloud, then booger (as I found out in the dictionary is known

as a piece of dried nasal mucus c(=).  He seemed to rather enjoy

eating them at regular intervals, sometimes throwing up. 

        Now we take after Bertie's example, except for trying the beans

ourselves.  But, we seem to be unable to decide which flavor should

come next.  We have decided to let you, yes you, standing by the

counter, take the responsibility in casting your own vote for what is

to come next.  The flavors are listed below. 

                **Worm**: We here that it tastes like turkey, though. 

                **Parchment**: What do you think?

**A leaf from a tree after a puffskin sneezed on it, transfigured **

**it into a mouse, who ran around in the rain and slipped**

**several times:** Just what it sounds like. 

To cast your vote, simply submit a review, and after about one to

two more sections of the Daily Prophet, we will announce the results of

the next Bertie Bott's Flavor!


	9. Drills

It's all made up, I know c(=

I've had difficulties with the internet lately, hence the reason I hadn't posted (Sorry!)                        

**Mishap at Muggle Workplace**

By: Ministry Writer

        Apparently Muggles have things called "drills", which

help them automatically turn in screws.  At a Muggle work-

place called Grunnings, which makes these "drills", has had

much confusion due to the cause of enchanted "drills." 

Somebody (we are not sure whom, yet) decided that it

would be fun to watch about the whole place of Muggles run

around in chaos.  All that was seen of this person is his feet,

because he used a invisibility cloak to go around unseen.  This

has infuriated the workers on the case, and will not help us in

any way at all. 

How did the Muggles react? We have some exclusive

interviews here with them!

Q: What happened?

A: (Vernon Dursley) They were everywhere! They destroyed

Everything! They were chasing me! They..……..

(Sorry, we had to modify his memory.)

So, if ever you have the urge to have fun by charming

items and letting them wreak havoc among Muggles, but want

to stay unseen all the while, and let the Ministry members go

crazy while they try and track you down **and** uncharm the objects

**and **modify Muggle memories, please be so kind as to alert the

Ministry of your urgebeforehand.  (you will not be harmed much)


	10. Ministry Secrets

                   **Ministry Officials Finally Let Loose Secrets**

The Ministry of Magic has been keeping many secrets from the

public for years.  They have now finally released the truth in order to

keep ongoing rumors at bay. 

"We don't want the rumors to seem as real as the truth," states

Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic.  "People just keep hearing lies until

they don't believe anything else."

One of the many carefully let out "truths" is that there is indeed

something called the Crumple-Horned-Snorkack in existence.  A creature

talked about much in the Quibbler, being in the Quibbler has made it

seem un-real.  It looks to be a mix of a muggle rhinoceros, giraffe, and

salmon, with what seems to be a unicorn horn on top.  Many a people

have gone looking for them, only to be charmed by the animals to make

them forget that they ever saw them.  

Another of them many secrets is that Sirius Black is not a singer,

and also not a criminal.  It has been two years already that the Ministry

has known this, but have not let go in fear that they would look stupid.  

After a while, they thought that it would be easier to just let the public

think what they wanted. 

But, as according to the Minister, Sirius was

actually the victim.  Peter Pettigrew was actually the one who let out

the Potters' whereabouts to the dark side, and escaped by faking his

death by changing into a rat after he fired a spell that killed twelve

people at once. Records say that Pettigrew is still on the loose, and

has replaced the search of  Sirius Black with himself.   

If you would like to find out about more new information, there

will be more printed next week.     


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